Holy shit it’s been an insane last few days. I mean yeah the snow and being basically locked in to my house with no escape because both of my jobs were shut down, but also because boredom brings out the worst in me. It’s cool though I had the chance to catch up on some of the television I have missed over the last 8 months (I’m caught up on The Challenge: Bloodlines, almost done with The Originals, and I’m slowly working my way through Teen Wolf).
Being locked in taught me a few things about myself, one of those being that I really have replaced smoking with working out and when I wasn’t able to do either for 3 days shit gets hard. Luckily shoveling a ridiculous amount of snow with an ancient shovel sort of helped, but as soon as I had the opportunity to leave the house I mad every excuse possible to break out. I found the only open Starbucks in the district, took my car to do a little snow run through empty parking lots and wandered aimlessly through Kroger. Thank God the mall opened today so I could at least work.
I think the other thing that really started to get to me was the way your smell filled up my room and you have never even stepped foot inside. I know it’s the clothes that I got back from you that is literally drowning my room in you, but I honestly can’t help but want to burn them so it goes away. That’s harsh I know, they are some of my favorite shirts, but I’m just so sick of this bullshit, sick of the games, and ultimately I’m just sick of these feeling and emotions that still linger with the memories of you attached. I’m done. Literally I have cut you out. The only reason you come up is because I’m still friends with your friends online, because you still like and reblog from me, and the wonderful times I see you on tinder and I just close out instead of doing anything. So fuck it. I tried. I took my second chance, that I don’t think you even wanted to do. I think the part of you that still did and does love me wanted to, but you are too soft. You don’t forget and forgive as easily as me. The funny and shitty thing is, I can only forgive and be hard but so many times. That was the last time. I’d have happily tried, to show you who I am, what I’m like, what I’m about. I’m not about it anymore. Do I still love you? Yeah of course, I think a part of me will always love you. Right now though the part of me that just wants to stop feeling you is over powering the part of me that wanted to build a future and life with you and I don’t hate it. Actually, I’m kind of happy about it. I feel bad for the girls that come in path and have to experience me for the next little while, but maybe that’s why I don’t mind not getting into anything serious. Sure I’m dating around already, but I literally could give zero fucks about doing anything beyond getting better.
I want to be single, I haven experienced it in almost 5 years. Actually this past 6 weeks is the longest I’ve been single since high school. I’m gonna enjoy it, I want to dance, I want to party, I want to kiss beautiful people. I just want to live in a way that I haven’t been able to.
Don’t get it twisted, I still got mad feels for you kid, but I’m not gonna hang on to someone that doesn’t want anything to do with me.
Summary: I’ve been struggling with my quitting smoking, I’ve been having an easier time pushing you out, I have some kick ass friends-between the best friends and my work mom-I’m excited to feel out what it means to be single and well everything will be better it’s just gonna take some time and that’s okay. Also, I miss Pants more than anything in the world right now and I hope you have an incredible birthday celebrating your Jordan year, it’s the first year since before we met that I won’t be celebrating with you and likely the same for my birthday. I just hope you enjoy it surrounded by your friends and they do something incredible for you. I love you more than tequila and Happy Bombs. ✌?️