Roller coaster ride 

It’s odd that I’m posting in the middle of the day, but I have so many things that are on my mind. This time they have direction, they are formed and they fucking suck. 

On the up and up I have made it through the side effects of withdrawal, not the cravings but that takes more time. I’m down to 164 pounds (only 19 to goal) and I am officially quitting at least one of my jobs as a birthday present to my self. I have also officially decided that I will be flying to Boston for my birthday to celebrate for the first time in a long while. 

I went for a run this morning. I thought that smoking had all but decimated my ability to run or do anything physical beyond sex and lifting. I was wrong, I’m right where I was when I left college. That’s not a good thing, but it could be worse and maybe if I can figure out the timing I will be able to do it more. I should probably eat or something before hand next time though…and not bring Atlas. 

Food and my ability to eat, or in this case not eat, is something that I absolutely hate to talk about. You want to put me in a bad mood, let’s talk about my eating for the day and then make me feel like shit for it.  It’s an instantaneous buzz kill and gauranteed to make me not want to talk to you about anything for the rest of the day if not longer. I mean sure not eating has its benefits, but it’s not intentional for me to not eat. I’m legitimately not hungry and can only take a few bits before I reach my puking point, thank you medicine. 

Since starting my road to recovery I’ve gained a conscience again, I’ve lost my confidence and cockiness and have become so uncertain and anxious about everything. I actually feel bad about blowing off my date last night. Sure it was for good reason, but I also feel like I shouldn’t stop dating or anything like that just because I’m potentially starting something again with a girl I have hard feels for. I have no clue if she is still seeing other people. My friends are right though I should put everything into this because let’s be real I gave zero fucks about the girls I’ve been with over the last month. My heart nor my head were anywhere close it being in it. It was a way to pass the time and move on–clearly that worked out well. 

So I’ve got my shirt, I have my pants that are her favorite to see me in, only thing missing is the bow tie and figuring out my shoes situation which will probably end up being my oxfords. And secretly I bought myself and new leather jacket and murdered out timbs. I have a hair cut set up for Monday between shifts, ya girl is gonna sharp and fine as hell. I’ll be asking for your thoughts on Tuesday, I don’t need luck, I just need good energy heading my way cus I know I will be nervous and trying not to fuck up the whole time. I’m not sure why I even am considering being so monogamous when she isn’t even mine, my gut is telling me she doesn’t feel the same way so why should I?