More than Surviving

When in Rome you don’t expect to have your world get thrown off its axis just when you get it back on. When in Rome you don’t expect to get hit with the feelings and reminders that you didn’t get married last month and you won’t be leaving for you first honeymoon in 2 weeks. You really don’t expect to get a call confirming that you two of you will be flying to Mexico and staying in a beach front condo, like you had been planning. When in Rome you don’t necessarily expect to have to have that conversation with yet another person who somehow doesn’t know. When in Rome you don’t expect to be sitting in a train, next to your would be mother in law and brother in law holding in tears because it’s just another reminder. When in Rome you don’t expect to turn to your blog in order to be able to talk about feelings you’ve been content letting wash over you but not control you for the last 9 months. When in Rome you don’t expect that wound to be reopened again after it just started to finally begin healing. When in Rome you don’t wish to be home rather than here. You expect to be able to enjoy yourself, to smile, to laugh, to eat good food, to see new places, to experience a part of history you have only ever read about. Maybe it’s perspective. At the end of the day I am still healing from that loss. Maybe I will always be trying to heal from it in one way or another. Maybe I will never truly be okay, but I can learn again what it means to be okay when I’m not okay. I mean how hard can that be when I spent 23 years of my life that way. I’m surviving, and maybe life should be about more than just surviving, but right now, right now that’s where I am at in my healing process and that is okay for now. Maybe sometimes you need to be able to survive, to be okay with surviving so that you can get to the part that leads to more than that. One day. One day I will get there again, but that’s not today and that’s okay.