Today was simultaneously the worst and the greatest day I’ve had a while. It was my first day back at work. It was great, did you know the mall opens up at 7:00am this week? I started my day with a phone call from my boss, “hey how’s it going? Have you chewed anyone out yet for how your store is looking and running?” For the record it wasn’t too bad off. I mean the store was still standing, the paperwork was mostly done, the right amount of money was in the till, only thing was how big of a hole they dug us into with the budget. If we make it back, or even come close, I will be incredibly impressed and surprised. Alas, I can’t be too upset, I’m actually pretty proud of them . Lets be honest they could have been lazy and done absolutely nothing while I was away, but the numbers and conversion rates don’t lie-they at least tried. I will admit that it got to the point though where they did try to change too many things while I was gone, but didn’t finish most of them, basically it just created a lot of clutter and much confusion. It’s alright. It is all alright. I’m learning that what is done is done and you just have to roll with it and make do with it what you can. My store is fucking spotless. So that’s the good. I’m not really in the mood to focus on the bad.
It was a dark place. That’s probably all you need to know. But not likely all that I will say. All day long I was filled with this sickening feeling. One filled with nausea and anxiety. I’m trying to avoid taking my PRN because well, I can’t even tell you from my own POV what happened the last time that I took em. I don’t need to tell myself that it’s okay, I know that how I felt wasn’t the best, but feeling it is not a bad thing. I’m experiencing it, I’m pushing through it, I’m resolving my issues as they come, and ultimately I feel so much better because of it. I don’t think that pushing things down is for me, but neither is letting my feelings consume me. I need to experience my feelings, but I don’t need them to control me.
I’ve decided to play a game with myself and unbeknownst to you, you are playing it too. It used to feel I don’t know, odd, when I’d come across you again, but now, now it’s just a game; how many times can I come across you and do nothing about it. I’m at 5 times so far. It’s neither a good nor bad thing this game of mine, it just simply is.