To the people of my past

To the people of my past who shaped my present and will help shape my future:

I can’t and I won’t apologize for who I was during a particular time in my life.

I could, but what how does that help me? It doesn’t. It can’t change anything about who I was, the actions that I took, the things I said or even how I behaved. I can only send my apologies that you aren’t able to experience how I’ve grown, who I have become and who I will become.

For the people of my past who continued to my present and hopefully my future, thank you. Thank you for sticking by when I was at my lowest and continue to stick by me as I fall further.

If you know anything about me, and even if you don’t I suppose, then you should know that I don’t let people into my life. I don’t let people in to my heart unless they deserve that spot. I don’t give pieces of myself to just anyone. When you walk away, I do too. The only difference is that I don’t look back. As awful as it sounds, I don’t check in on you from a distance, it’s as if you never existed to me unless it’s relevant and even then I don’t use your name. But if I let you in during a certain period of my life you served a purpose. As systematic or pragmatic that may sound, you did. You served a purpose for me so I can and will thank you for that.

Some of you taught me things about myself that I never would have learned otherwise. Some of you taught me what I will and will not compromise on. Others taught me what toxic relationships look like. Others taught me to find value in myself. Unfortunately so many of you taught me how to hate every last part of myself down to my core being. You almost allowed me to think that the world would be better off with out my darkness in it. The thing is though you dont have that power over me, you don’t dictate my actions, my thoughts or my moods. You my influence them, but I am my own person.

I make my own choices and you don’t have to agree with or like them, that’s not my problem. That’s your problem. That took me the longest time to learn and understand and actually conceptualize to the point that even as I walked across the bridge to get to this rock that I sit on as I type and I thought, I fucking thought about jumping and ending it, it would have been my choice because of my OWN feelings and thoughts.

I try not to let anger rule my life or my emotions, I try to live in a way that allows me to forgive those that have slighted me, but honestly. Most of you from my past that didn’t carry forward can just go fuck yourselves. My life is so much more full without you, that I want to thank you for letting me go and giving me the space to find myself.