So when I’m gone, just carry on 

  
So I’ve been gone a while. I can’t really say that I’m sorry because I honestly didn’t know how long it had been since I last wrote. I started using a phsyical journal instead. It feels safe. It feels like home. There is just something about being able to write in a leather bound journal with brand new pens instead of typing away on a computer. 

Let’s play catch up for a minute though: since I last wrote I stopped taking my medicine for a hot minute. To sum it up quickly it was horrible. I lost it. It didn’t help that I worked three back to back 80s a week. For the record though I’m back on them and while I’m still hating everything and feeling my roller coaster moods like crazy-I don’t feel like dying anymore, which is always nice. I’ve actually started to take care of myself. Like ADLs. It’s a huge step for me. Something as simple as showering, brushing my teeth, putting on makeup, fuck I’ve even started doing my laundry and making my bed. Let’s be real though, I probably wouldn’t have started taking my meds again if mi princesa hadn’t convinced me. I’m stubborn by nature, so the act of taking medicine for help is already hard enough-having someone help me through encouragement and random reminders is fucking torture. A torture I’m thankful for, but torture none the less.

One thing that’s different though is how much weight I’ve lost and how much more defined I’m becoming again. I looked down at the scale the other day and realized I weigh less now than I did in my last 3 seasons of collegiate soccer. I’m still muscular, shit i have the beginning of abs and sex lines again, I’ve dropped a pant size and it’s noticeable that I have lost weight. The only downside to all of this is how fat I still feel. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been fat in a while, if I could even really be categorized as fat to begin with, but I’m down 25/30 pounds and still feel huge. Logically I know that I’m smaller, but emotionally it’s not the same. I’ve got 10 more pounds to go until goal weight, but I don’t even know that that will be enough for me. I remember weighing 130 and I loved it, I felt great, I fit into everything, but I also ate much less than I do now-gold fish and Gatorade were all I could choke down. Now with help I can get through breakfast and dinner on good days. I will admit I’ve done a few days of just not eating, but those days are getting to be few and far between and yet my weight is holding steady. 

Fucking finally though-it’s been at least 3 months since I smoked my last cigarette. It’s not something I actively think about unless it’s a really bad day and fight myself to just keep driving past the gas station. Honestly though, not smoking has been one of the easiest transitions in my life that I have dealt with in a really long time. 

So that’s it, that’s everything. I mean not everything this is basically a chapter summary-just enough information to pass, but it lacks all of the detail that gives you insight. 

4.7.16