- The real reason you didn’t come home until 5:00 am on a Saturday morning
- That you were at a strip club until 2:00am that same morning
- That you were probably still drunk when you left for work at 9:00 on Saturday morning
- Why you were wearing a sweatshirt when it wasn’t cold
- That you were with your boss at said strip club
One thing you always tell your Nana though, is how much happier you are with your life. Sure she knows your sad without even asking, but it never hurts for her to know what an impact she is having on your life.
It’s true what they say. Some of the best productions and creative masterpieces stem from some pretty dark places. I seem to have escaped that dark place for the time being and as a result, rather than filling my time with writing and god knows what else, I am enjoying just being. I am enjoying just living and experiencing the world and what it has to offer me right now. Through out the day I occasionally think of things I’d love to write about and how I can expand on those thoughts, but it stops there, they are just thoughts and nothing more. I’d prefer to just revel in the beauty of what is being offered to me as opposed to being consumed by my own mind and let everything else slip by.
This weekend though I’m going to make an active effort to create. I’m traveling a bit-Philly on Thursday, New York City probably on Sunday, a flannel party or snowboarding on Friday, seeing my father on Saturday. I just saw my parents last week for my moms birthday. That was a fucking whirlwind of emotions. Nothing too horrible or at least nothing so horrible it still sticks out in my mind. Over this past weekend I got to dance the night away and it was glorious. Started Valentine’s Day kissing a beautiful girl and finished it surrounded by my family. For some reason I even agreed to go on a date with someone…again read Conscience, I really shouldn’t be dating anyone right now. I am hoping though I run into that girl again this week at the flannel party, that would be money. I think that’s everything, if you can’t tell already by how this all flows I’ve hit another manic cycle. I’m holding steady though and still not smoking. My vape is kicking ass and taking names.
I almost feel bad for having a conscience. Almost. Not much. I do feel bad for this kid though, I can tell she is falling hard and I just feel like an asshole. I’m trying, I really am. She’s cool, she’s nice, she’s funny and a lot of fun to be with, but I just don’t know. I literally had to get hammered just to kiss her and maybe it was the vodka thinking, but I barely felt anything. I know I should let her go, but there is a comfort in talking to her. Not a comfort in like I can’t be alone, but in a comfort that I have someone cool to talk to and hang out with that isn’t associated with work or well, anyone that I know.
Enough about that. I started smoking again. Well I had, but then I stopped. Vaping really does help, I haven’t had a cigarette in like 2 days and am already almost ready to step down to the 2nd lowest level of nicotine juice. I feel pretty ashamed that I wasn’t able to keep up having quit, but everyone has setbacks and if that’s the worse one I have to deal with right now I am okay with that.
I went to the river the other day. I chose the wrong outfit to wear, but I was still able to get some free climbing and danger walks out to the river rocks in. It was great. Probably one of the best days that I have had in a very long time. My head had been reeling and nothing I did was able to stop it. So I opted to go down to my favorite spot, brought along my camera and made some risky walks out above the water. There is this old train bridge that’s no longer connected to anything just a couple lengths out over the water that I have seen people climb out on. I probably won’t be doing that again. My favorite part though was climbing out over the beaver dam to a set of rocks that no one else was on or able to get to unless they braved the climb. It was glorious. The water was crashing by me and even though it was moving so fast it was so soothing, so calming and finally my mind found peace, it found a slow steady pace that I have been yearning for.
So here I found my peace, here I found my solitude, here I found myself. Until we need to meet again.
I meant to add this post here, but well life got in the way. Okay thats not true, my brain got in the way and I got distracted and forgot.
I’ve been cut free, no, self harm free for 7 years. Huh. I can’t believe I forgot about that.
I know you aren’t reading this, but Georgia I still carry around my Congratulations wish stone you gave me for my 1 year. Thank you for all your strength and encouragement all those years ago. You taught me so much and even when those lessons and advice become blurry in my manic mental state they are the most helpful ones I’ve learned thus far.
So thank you for helping me learn that just because we have a mental illness and are expected to fail and fall into the endless cycle, it doesn’t mean we have to. We can break the cycle, it doesn’t matter how long it takes, but we don’t have to be the self fulfilling prophecies that never get out. It can be done. So thank you for helping to show me my way out.
For whatever reason overtime I plug my phone in to charge on my computer and my photos auto load the stupid Quicktime player opens because of all the videos that I have saved. The one that gets me every single time was one that was supposed to be a time-lapse video on my way to a hiking adventure. Now this adventure turned out to be more of a car adventure more than anything, but none the less I will never turn down an adventure. To be fair it’s probably one of the most simultaneously fun-loving yet depressing videos I have on my phone to date. This video, well I can even explain it. I watched part of it the other day to see if it even stirred any feelings deep inside this dark hole–I am still undecided– one thing that got to me though was all of the raw emotion. My video captured love, it captured honesty, it captured fun, and it also captured something incredibly sad. This day was meant to be an escape. An escape from the horrible reality we were both facing that day, week, whatever. Three of us were going through our dark days, two of us don’t allow ourselves to feel it. For me it was one of the easiest dark days I have had in a while, the aftermath not so much, but for the first time in a long time I had no thoughts of wanting to die, no thoughts of thinking I was a fractured human being that couldn’t be loved because of this thing that happened to me. That day, that day you said goodbye. Not to me, but you may as well have. I caught it all on video. We caught it all on video. You are by far the strongest human I have ever encountered. I think maybe its your eternal optimism, your never-ending show of happiness. I really have no idea, but I am happy that you were able to shed that light on my life. I still only have one question. What in the world is the rubber band man story. I still don’t understand it.
there isn’t really a point to this post, just something that’s been rattling around in my brain since I watched our lovely video.
Let me tell you a story about why you should never trust a ghost. Naturally it starts with them being there one day and gone the next without the slightest trace except for the occasional lingering smell. Really though it all has to do with how unreliable they are, how deceitful, and ultimately how they will betray you. You think they can’t hurt you, you think that because they are so easy and simple to talk to and be with, that they will never hurt you. That is until they leave you without so much as a goodbye.
Here is my ghost story. I once met a ghost that I could tell everything too, that was so easy to open up to and be honest with it was insane. It was scary as hell how it was able to break through my walls so easily and for me to not see a thing wrong with it. My ghost made me feel at ease. My ghost made me fall in love with the world again. My ghost made me see the light and goodness that not only the world, but myself had to offer. My ghost destroyed me. My ghost let me down in the worst way possible. My ghost abandoned me in my time of need. My ghost left me to die.
Ghosts are tricky things, especially when you have experienced them as living beings. You never fully experience losing them until they have finally disappeared.
Never trust a ghost.