(Un) fun read 

I really, really have nothing to say. My mind is numb and I’m running on empty. Emotionless. It sucks because to even go to my home away from home, to my happy place, literally called Happys, I had to go back to wearing a patch, find my anxiety medicine, you know the fun one that makes me black out, and get fucking obliterated just to be able to stand it. Sure I got to play laser tag, throw some darts, hear my southern accent reveal itself, and push another girl up against her car and hear her moan into my mouth as I kissed her for the first time, but I felt nothing. Not in the sense that for her I felt nothing, although I could honestly care less, she is nice, fun, easy to hang out with, but I got nothing, so I guess for her I romantically feel nothing. It’s okay it happens. Like I said #singlelife and living it out. I made plans to go to Florida in March to play wing woman-why I don’t know, drunk me thought it would be a good idea-drunk me thought a lot of things would be a good idea last night. Clearly, since I woke up this morning having texted two of my ever favorite exes to be around. Don’t get me wrong, one of them I love til death, she’s the one I turn to when shit goes down-when I looked into the future with my most recent ex, I couldn’t picture her standing next to me and helping me get over the ever pending death of my grandmother. To me that says a lot. Like yeah I would have married her and done that shit, she was great, but even my subconscious was telling me that when things got hard she wasn’t the one that I was going to count on to help me stay together or even put myself back together. Why I texted either of them last night, I couldn’t tell you. Why I still have her phone number in my mind, no fucking clue, why my drunk self could even type it in, I can’t fathom. So I kissed a girl, and I can’t really remember it. I literally had to blow my mind out to even want to take it that far. Sure she is, well I don’t even know, sometimes it’s just nice to kiss someone I guess. 

You know how when you read certain things like fanfic? Especially about the supernatural ones, like vampires can just turn their feelings on and off? I can do something similar. Like not to the point where I become savage and ruthless, okay maybe I become ruthless, I’ve heard being shut out by me is fairly brutal, but like I just literally don’t feel anything, don’t give two flying fucks about anything. I can be emotionless and it is simultaneously the most amazing and terrifying thing I can experience. It’s amazing because of how freeing it can be to escape feelings, but terrifying because I am no longer me. To be perceived as normal becomes a strain and then they no longer believe I am fine, the cracks in my armor are visible. 

It’s time to put on a new patch. Or maybe just say fuck it and start smoking again. No that’s the unemotional part of me talking, telling me that I don’t give a shit about myself. I do give a shit, I care about living and I no longer wish to die, I no longer wish to escape this world, I long to live in it, to experience all of its beauty and even its ugliness. There is the other part of me, the side that constantly tries to rear its ugly head that says to just live on the edge, do you, whatever it is just do it. Maybe some sleep is what I need, maybe even to lay off the alcohol and PRN meds, and keep up with the patch. 

Things are always better in the morning. 

Until the next time I decide to pull my head out of my ass and write down how I am feeling and what I’m thinking. 

Here is me pretending I’m Justin Bieber last night. 

 

Whirlwind 

Holy shit it’s been an insane last few days. I mean yeah the snow and being basically locked in to my house with no escape because both of my jobs were shut down, but also because boredom brings out the worst in me. It’s cool though I had the chance to catch up on some of the television I have missed over the last 8 months (I’m caught up on The Challenge: Bloodlines, almost done with The Originals, and I’m slowly working my way through Teen Wolf). 

Being locked in taught me a few things about myself, one of those being that I really have replaced smoking with working out and when I wasn’t able to do either for 3 days shit gets hard. Luckily shoveling a ridiculous amount of snow with an ancient shovel sort of helped, but as soon as I had the opportunity to leave the house I mad every excuse possible to break out. I found the only open Starbucks in the district, took my car to do a little snow run through empty parking lots and wandered aimlessly through Kroger. Thank God the mall opened today so I could at least work. 

I think the other thing that really started to get to me was the way your smell filled up my room and you have never even stepped foot inside. I know it’s the clothes that I got back from you that is literally drowning my room in you, but I honestly can’t help but want to burn them so it goes away. That’s harsh I know, they are some of my favorite shirts, but I’m just so sick of this bullshit, sick of the games, and ultimately I’m just sick of these feeling and emotions that still linger with the memories of you attached. I’m done. Literally I have cut you out. The only reason you come up is because I’m still friends with your friends online, because you still like and reblog from me, and the wonderful times I see you on tinder and I just close out instead of doing anything. So fuck it. I tried. I took my second chance, that I don’t think you even wanted to do. I think the part of you that still did and does love me wanted to, but you are too soft. You don’t forget and forgive as easily as me. The funny and shitty thing is, I can only forgive and be hard but so many times. That was the last time. I’d have happily tried, to show you who I am, what I’m like, what I’m about. I’m not about it anymore. Do I still love you? Yeah of course, I think a part of me will always love you. Right now though the part of me that just wants to stop feeling you is over powering the part of me that wanted to build a future and life with you and I don’t hate it. Actually, I’m kind of happy about it. I feel bad for the girls that come in path and have to experience me for the next little while, but maybe that’s why I don’t mind not getting into anything serious. Sure I’m dating around already, but I literally could give zero fucks about doing anything beyond getting better.

 I want to be single, I haven experienced it in almost 5 years. Actually this past 6 weeks is the longest I’ve been single since high school. I’m gonna enjoy it, I want to dance, I want to party, I want to kiss beautiful people. I just want to live in a way that I haven’t been able to. 

Don’t get it twisted, I still got mad feels for you kid, but I’m not gonna hang on to someone that doesn’t want anything to do with me. 

Summary: I’ve been struggling with my quitting smoking, I’ve been having an easier time pushing you out, I have some kick ass friends-between the best friends and my work mom-I’m excited to feel out what it means to be single and well everything will be better it’s just gonna take some time and that’s okay. Also, I miss Pants more than anything in the world right now and I hope you have an incredible birthday celebrating your Jordan year, it’s the first year since before we met that I won’t be celebrating with you and likely the same for my birthday. I just hope you enjoy it surrounded by your friends and they do something incredible for you. I love you more than tequila and Happy Bombs. ✌?️

1.25.16 

Never thought I’d hear those words 

I never thought I’d hear the words come out of her mouth. No not that her, but someone else. When you are going through a transition, a life change and mindset change, to be able to recognize it in yourself is one thing, but to have someone else see it and be able to speak to it is an incredible feeling. For other people to be able to see how much happier and in a better place I am is so fulfilling and not what I expected. 

A lot of us at work have been going through some similar things with relationships or well the ending of relationships. Up until this point the only one that everyone was fighting to be revived or saved was mine. Like I said up until this point. We were talking yesterday about how much easier it is to be happy when you are able to cut all the negative, damaging and bull shit out. I was taken aback though by what followed. Here is the back story:

I’ve been consistently in a good mood, the kind where I am dancing, joking, laughing and smiling and it is catching some off guard still. Everyone expected me to miserable by now, between my quitting smoking, not drinking as much caffeine or alcohol, and oh yeah breaking up with you. That’s not the case though, in spite of all these things I have never been better, I have never felt happier and I have never felt more myself. I thought that I had cut out all the things that were holding me down and holding me back. Apparently I was mistaken. I always saw you as a positive source of energy, a good thing, a source of light. Now it seems you are just something dragging me in to the darkness. You’ve done fucked up, kid. The game you decided to play, I’m not longer a willing participant. Sure you still enter my mind and poison my thoughts, but I’m not letting you stay, I’m effectively evicting you, I’m kicking you out. I’m sorry to say that you aren’t getting another chance. So that’s it I’m out. I hope you find what you are looking for and that maybe someone else can provide you with a home, kids, a life and somewhere in there I hope you find happiness and a bit of romance. 

Flash forward to yesterday. You are the last thing I need to and will cut out in order to free my self of being filled with darkness. I mean when our biggest advocate says its time to drop you ✌?️. I don’t hate you, but all my friends do. So that’s it, I’m freeing myself and opening myself up even more to light and happiness.

1.23.16

So that’s what it feels like 

I never fully understood what it was like for a guy. Not until tonight at the gym. I started my run like usual keeping my sweatshirt on and having adjusted my hat prior to starting, none of the guys really took notice of me, well not until I started my intervals and had to take my sweatshirt off. To the guy attempting to mimick my workout, I’m sorry that I threatened your masculinity to the point of glaring at me for the remainder of both our workouts and then stomping out of the room when you decided yours was done. To the rest of you awesome dudes, thanks for just getting out of my way so I could do what I needed to do and leave. Thank you for not changing your workout so that you could look better standing next to a girl with 35’s in each hand to do a semblance of a leg day and even more when she out squatted you by a couple of plates. I never really appreciated the privilege I had being able to hide behind my baggy clothes, hats and short hair. I actually appreciate it even less now. Honestly I find the whole thing a bit ridiculous. Like dude, I’m a retired college athlete barely a year removed, chill the fuck out. 

On the up and up, since my having to restart my road to recovery following knee surgery I am about half way back to my squat max-I hit a 3 rep at 125 tonight with my old max being 245 (maybe by July, if I keep this workout pace). Not gonna lie I can’t wait to get into a real gym and really get going. It’s nice to be able to use a free complex gym to get my feet wet again, but there is nothing like a week equipped gym to make a girl feel at home. Plus I miss the sauna.

So that’s my final thoughts on the day: dudes don’t be threatened by a girl who can out lift you. There is probably a reason for it and none of them have to do with intentionally making you feel like less of a man. 

Progress is progress, no matter how big, no matter how small, just don’t stop until you have it all. 

Sometimes 

Every once in a while I look back through my photos, I like to see some of the memories I have let myself forget, I like to see the physical progress I have made. If you’ve been following along with my story since I got out of the hospital in December you may have a rough timeline of my life prior to it. I make it a habit to not get on the scale, it makes me sad, but it also encourages negative behavior on my part-I have a hard time eating as it is, knowing and being unhappy with my weight does not help anything. I’m gonna guess that back in October I weighed conservatively somewhere around 180/185. Today I watched a video that my ex and I made on our way to go hiking back in November I think. No wander I was always more comfortable in over sized clothing. Looking back at it and then seeing myself in the mirror I can’t believe how much of a change I have made. I mean I knew that my muscle definition was getting back to normal, but my face is just so much more hollow and not in a bad way. My eyes are also finally clear which is huge. 

  
Today^

  
November hike^
So it has been almost 2 weeks since I smoked my last cigarette and like 3 days since I last put a patch on. I’ve gotten over the cravings and the withdrawal period and honestly I couldn’t be happier. I’ve decided to replace those 45 or so minutes I would spend smoking per day and I’ve started working out instead. For anyone who knows me you know I fucking hate to run. Well I’m running. I hate every minute of it, but I’m actually learning to look forward to my run every day. It’s 15 minutes that I can take and just go, I can push myself past what I thought I could handle. I’m learning more about myself while running than I ever did in therapy. Sure it’s a different self exploration, but it’s important none the less. So for now that’s where I am at this week. 

Roller coaster ride 

It’s odd that I’m posting in the middle of the day, but I have so many things that are on my mind. This time they have direction, they are formed and they fucking suck. 

On the up and up I have made it through the side effects of withdrawal, not the cravings but that takes more time. I’m down to 164 pounds (only 19 to goal) and I am officially quitting at least one of my jobs as a birthday present to my self. I have also officially decided that I will be flying to Boston for my birthday to celebrate for the first time in a long while. 

I went for a run this morning. I thought that smoking had all but decimated my ability to run or do anything physical beyond sex and lifting. I was wrong, I’m right where I was when I left college. That’s not a good thing, but it could be worse and maybe if I can figure out the timing I will be able to do it more. I should probably eat or something before hand next time though…and not bring Atlas. 

Food and my ability to eat, or in this case not eat, is something that I absolutely hate to talk about. You want to put me in a bad mood, let’s talk about my eating for the day and then make me feel like shit for it.  It’s an instantaneous buzz kill and gauranteed to make me not want to talk to you about anything for the rest of the day if not longer. I mean sure not eating has its benefits, but it’s not intentional for me to not eat. I’m legitimately not hungry and can only take a few bits before I reach my puking point, thank you medicine. 

Since starting my road to recovery I’ve gained a conscience again, I’ve lost my confidence and cockiness and have become so uncertain and anxious about everything. I actually feel bad about blowing off my date last night. Sure it was for good reason, but I also feel like I shouldn’t stop dating or anything like that just because I’m potentially starting something again with a girl I have hard feels for. I have no clue if she is still seeing other people. My friends are right though I should put everything into this because let’s be real I gave zero fucks about the girls I’ve been with over the last month. My heart nor my head were anywhere close it being in it. It was a way to pass the time and move on–clearly that worked out well. 

So I’ve got my shirt, I have my pants that are her favorite to see me in, only thing missing is the bow tie and figuring out my shoes situation which will probably end up being my oxfords. And secretly I bought myself and new leather jacket and murdered out timbs. I have a hair cut set up for Monday between shifts, ya girl is gonna sharp and fine as hell. I’ll be asking for your thoughts on Tuesday, I don’t need luck, I just need good energy heading my way cus I know I will be nervous and trying not to fuck up the whole time. I’m not sure why I even am considering being so monogamous when she isn’t even mine, my gut is telling me she doesn’t feel the same way so why should I? 

1.16.15 

Strange Sensation

Okay well a lot has been plaguing my mind. Like nothing crazy or over complicated, its just been rather full lately. On the up and up the patch is working and I have officially struggled, but made it, through the first 24 hours.

The other day someone asked me what I like to be called. It was odd, I actually had to ask for clarification. Was she talking about my name or what? For me to even hear my name outside of the context of my family, and even that is rare, I had no idea how to respond, what I even like to be called. My name has such a negative connotation in my mind, I think it’s why I am so okay with being called Charli, it’s not my name and it has no connotation either way. It’s nice, it’s new and it is safe. It’s not me though. 

My ex asked told me the ball was in my court. Today I asked her out and she said yes. I have no idea what to think of it. Part of me is happy because she is the girl you marry, you build a life with, you want to make eternally happy, and in turn can make you eternally happy. The other part of me is afraid that she is just using me. She has said over and over again that we can’t over write our past and the ill feelings, but then she tells me she stills love me and wants me to decide whether I ask her out because it’s what she wanted. I don’t want to fuck this up. My tinder and Her app were deleted tonight. My best friends are more hype about the prospect of us getting back together than I thought anyone would ever be. So much so that they want the date I have with her next week to be perfect, to be so over the top and to woo her so hard. Yeah, they are helping me plan it down to flowers, my outfit and everything else. I don’t know what else to say about all  of this. I am grateful, forever so. They are so for us getting back together I’m even afraid to let them down.

I can’t dwell, I want it to work, I will try my best to make it happen. If it’s  meant to be it will be. So my date tomorrow with a different girl is effectively cancelled until I know what then fuck is going on. I love this human, I think I always will. Now that I’m getting better I’m going to take my fair shot and making it work. If at my better and continuing to grow it doesn’t work then that is that. It will suck, but at least I will know I gave it what I could and it won’t be marred with my depression or anything else hindering me. 

1.14.16

Burning House 

I finally admitted out loud that I haven’t been as good as I am letting everyone believe. I cried for the first time in over a month the other day and if I don’t cry again for another month I won’t be upset about it. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m making strides and I am further along than I thought I would be at this point. There are so many things I am thankful for every day and that is really helpful in allowing me to keep going. 

In October, until the day I entered the hospital I had quit smoking. It was great for calming me down, but it was also a tool for me to get temporarily elevated as if I was hitting a manic cycle and even better for getting me drunk. Since leaving the hospital I haven’t been able to make the next step in quitting for good. I wasn’t able to admit to myself that I couldn’t just quit cold turkey and that would be that. On Monday night I decided to suck it up and for once help myself out. Sure I love the feeling I get after I smoke a cigarette, but the come down a few minutes later isn’t worth it. Even further I don’t like having something besides myself being in control. Cigarettes have a hold on me and I’m not about it. So I bought the patch. It’s itchy and it keeps me awake at night, but it’s working like aversion therapy and I don’t hate it. I’ve gone from 10 or so cigarettes a day ( I was nearing 20 just a week ago) to maybe 3. Tomorrow I plan to bring my 3 down to 0. Wish me luck, pray for me, keep me in your thoughts, whatever tickles your fancy. I have the patch, but withdrawal is still kicking my ass and it only gets worse each time. 

It’s not always sunshine, rainbows and unicorns, but it is and it does get better. Setbacks happen, believe me I know it sucks, but each time I am learning something new. I am learning my limitations, my strengths, my weaknesses, things that don’t make me happy right now, but that I hope to build up to being able to do them (again). Progress is progress and I will take it where I can get it. Every chance I have to build myself up I am going to take and run with it. 

1.13.16

Cus I’m back, nah nah nah

***Bonus points if you can tell me the name and artist of this post title.

Well I mean I’m sort of back. I think coming back online will be a bit of an elongated process. I’m semi back to using tumblr outside of the queue that I have set up and I’m back on snapchat (apcharlotte33), like nearly full time-so come explore my 4:30am sky, nights out, nights in and everything in between.

So now that I’m back onlineish we can play a game of ketchup. In short, no I haven’t finished my apology piece Nor have I continued working on my “all the things I couldn’t say, part x.” I realized just how dark I was allowing my head space to become again. That’s not a good look on me so I opted to take a step back, it was for the better I think. I guess one of the many misconceptions people have about mental illness is that once you  start to get better you just keep going up, you don’t have setbacks because mental illness begins cognitively and merely hinders the physical aspects a human function. Like, no. We have setbacks, we falter, and we relapse too. Just because our struggle isn’t something you can see or measure with an empirical test does not invalidate what happens in each of our recovery processes. Okay unintelligible rant over.

My point is that it is okay to have setbacks when you are trying to heal. It happens. Let’s get real for a second-this is my fourth time coming out of the hospital. Wow that sounds bad. I promise it’s not. In high school I had a really rough time my Junior year. I spent 4 almost 5 months in a row just going back and forth between hospital settings. I had a lot that needed to be worked out. After repressing for 16 years all of my thoughts and feelings just needed to get out, but I also needed to learn the tools in order to cope with those feelings. That takes time, like a lot of time, it’s a lifelong process. Yes, tools stop working for you and new ones need to be learned-life long process. So the fact that it only took 4-5 months, in the grand scheme of things it’s not really not that long of a time. Flash forward 6.8 years, 4 of which I was again just pushing everything down. It took 4 years, graduating, ending three relationships, working 80 hours a week for 7 months straight and recognizing I had hit rock bottom for me to reach out for help. YES, I reached out for help. I asked my family and friends to get me the help that I needed. It sucked, I hate asking for help, but at least this time going to the hospital was MY choice, I wasn’t truly forced into it. Sure I have more say because I am a legal adult, but it could have been a forced 72 hour psychiatric hold. No thank you. So, I had a minor setback. I am on my way back up, I won’t say nothing will bring me down, but I will say that nothing is going to stop me from getting where I want to be.

Wow, I didn’t realize that I had been off for 5 days now. Not much has happened. I got my shit straight, I did some laughing, did some talking, a lot of dancing and yes, I even went on a date. Who am I? In short, I am becoming me again. I am happy with my life, happy with the friends I have and at some point (hopefully soon)  I will be happier with where I am working.

Right now I am finding it hard to enjoy my work. Don’t get me wrong I love both of my jobs, but the store I manage is causing me so much stress and anxiety it’s nearing a breaking point for me. We shut my store down nearly two weeks ago now. I was supposed to know a solid plan for what I am doing, where I am going, and what store I will be running a week ago. I’ve got nothing. Im back at the store I was an assistant store manager at and my schedule is day-to-day. I can’t make plans, I can’t look forward to things, shit I can’t even figure out when my dog needs to go to daycare. Its frustrating and its unstable and it is unnecessary. It makes leaving so much easier though.

I haven’t been going out as much recently, but I have decided to not turn down hanging out with friends and so I make it work. Not going to lie, its great. My friendships have grown stronger, I’m able to put myself out there more and meet new people and make new friends. So I danced my night away and it was glorious.

Date one was fun, ate some really freaking big pizza, almost died long boarding, saw a bullet hole coming out of a shop, a Hitler Youth knife, a woman getting hit by a car, I even got to go back to my favorite bar, have a Happy Bomb and play a couple of games of darts. Yeah, id call that a successful night for sure.

Date 2 with homegirl is on Friday. She stole my heart with the promise of Mexican food and a walk around the new Civil War Park. Yeah she knows her way into a girl’s heart. Dunno where it is going to go, but isn’t that half of the fun of this?

Oh yes, how could I forget getting to catch up with one of my oldest friends?! Josh is one of my best friends. Its been a few years since the last time we were able to see one another, but our schedules lined up and well its hard to pass up seeing each other when you live a mile a part. I guess the saying is true. If its meant to be you will find a way back to one another. Josh and I always, always, find our way back to one another. We have history, we know each other really well, and when it counts we are there for each other. My first trip to the hospital I called him sobbing, two days later I got a letter in the mail from him full of his belief in me and his love for me. He’s the kind of guy that even if you don’t talk for a few years, he is still a bridesman in your wedding. He is that important and that much of a rock in my life. Not many people know him or the impact he has had on my life, but its important that I take the time to recognize him for what he is. I am so happy to have the chance to enjoy a weekly friend date with my OG from soccer camp. Beer always tastes better when he is drinking it beside me.

My friends prove time and time again just how great they are. I am so blessed to have them in my life and to be able to turn to them for a large variety of things. I love my mains and I have never been more thankful to have found them.

So, I think that is everything. Life is good, I’m doing me and maybe even her. Poor joke.
Until next time I hope the world is good to you.

1.10.16

Untitled.

I really don’t know what to say about today, I tried, I really did. By the end of it though I was merely existing. I nearly drowned in the bathtub because I forgot that breathing is a part of living and tried to fall asleep under water. Not cool dude. It seems like most everyone had a shit day today so maybe that’s the problem. All day I was completely off kilter. Like everything had just changed on me. Maybe it was working a Starbucks double, maybe it was that I missed my nap, maybe it’s that I let too many people into my head without even trying to shut them out. 

I took off Thursday through Sunday this week probably 6 weeks ago. I couldn’t have foreseen my store being shut down, needing to go to the hospital or really the need to work to keep me sane. So now, I have four days off in a row, wait that’s a lie I’m off on Monday too. Five days off and no plans. Well I have two plans but those don’t count because they are for the weekend and well whatever. I’m still considering traveling, maybe I will go snowboarding, maybe I will just sleep and do nothing. Who knows, only time will tell. I think dad is off this weekend so maybe I will go home and see if he wants to do a bit of traveling. It might be too cold for him, but he loves history as much as I do, and he loves seeing me even more. 

Maybe I just need to numb my mind. Maybe I just need to stop letting myself think and instead just be, just live, just stop existing and start enjoying. Maybe Friday will help me turn that corner, maybe Saturday with smash will bring me home, maybe I will figure it out on my own. 

Today, today I needed the reminders of why. Why I quit smoking, why I’m trying to be a better human, why I am trying to get better. I turned to everyone I knew and no one was there. Tomorrow will be better, it has to be. 

I planned to write a continuation of All the things a I couldn’t say and an apology piece today, but neither are done, neither of them convey the emotion I want them to. They are rather void. Rather dismal, rather unlike my usual tone. They read blank, they read factual. They aren’t me. They are the shell of me, the me that no one deserves to see. They read like the me that no one can or will handle. They read like the me that makes everyone leave. So fuck it. It’s not like anyone reads these things anyway. When they are done they will be published, but not until they feel right. They may not be universally read, but it’s important to me that they be done right. For me it’s the only way it can be productive, be helpful. As it is I go back and read my previous entries. I can say without a doubt I hate my first All the things I couldn’t say piece. It’s incomplete, it leaves so much out. It only tells of my anger and placing blame. It doesn’t tell the entire story I want it to tell. So until it’s done the pieces will continue to roll in. I’m going dark. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it does get better and sometimes that means you have to take a step back and see things from a different vantage point. 

I think I hate myself. 

She broke her own heart, and I watched as she tried to reassemble it, darling 

1.5.16