That’s all she wrote, folks 

I have officially ended my career as a store manager in one of the worst malls ever created. Okay maybe not that extreme, but the mall isn’t what it used to be, not by a long shot. I could go a few hours at a time during a shift without a single person entering my store. Good riddance. It is made even better by my boss giving me off through Sunday. Yay for actually having not one, but two full days off from both of my jobs! Happy fucking New Year to me! I’m actually rather excited at my prospects for the new year, today I received a phone call to do a preliminary interview with me and to then set up an in person interview for a job doing ABA therapy with autistic children. Even better, it’s not in VA. Beyond that, I am still gainfully employed and will have a new store to call my own by Monday. Fingers crossed. 

I think out of the 80 possible hours I could have worked since I left work at 4:00pm today, I worked approximately 55 of them….good thing I only have one shift left this week and it’s a baby shift-only 4.5 hours. Phew I’m not going to go over the max 60 my doctors have set. If there is a job where I work Sunday-Wednesday 40 hours a week and make enough money to live/function, please tell me where to sign up. That would be heaven. I am so excited just to have tomorrow mid-morning through Sunday morning off its insane. If the weather would cooperate I’d do plenty of outdoor ice skating, snowboarding and hiking. I love the rain, but it is really making things harder. Oh well. I have the time, I have the means, guess I just have to look to the next closest state. Hopefully they have some good history, hiking and exploring to be done. 

If it is meant to be, it will be. I believe that my happiness, prosperity and overall enjoyment of life is meant to be. It won’t be something I force, but rather something I foster and encourage to grow. Just because we stop doesn’t mean the world does. It’s ever changing, people change, circumstance change. What you knew isn’t always valid in the present, grow adapt, change with everyone else. 

12.30.15

Holy monkey balls, Batman 

I finally was blessed enough to work an 18 hour day again, my first one since going to the hospital, it did not disappoint. Not only did I spend nearly my entire day laughing and having fun, but everything is packed up and ready to be shipped out to where it’s supposed to be. To be honest I lost count as to how many boxes we packed up today. A safe guess would be somewhere past 30 not including the 10 or so that were/are being hand delivered to stores. All of that hard work is paying off though. I have Wednesday-Sunday off, probably Monday too, and by Monday I will have a more concrete answer as to where my new home will be. In theory, I am staying here for a few more months, getting my footing and learning some more ropes, but then after that I have officially asked for transfer to central/northern Jersey. 

It was a pretty complex process to get to the point where I am comfortable in where I plan to move to next. A lot of things were factored in, including but not limited to job opportunities, cost of living, proximity to family, proximity to nature/snowboarding etc. I’m sick of feeling isolated. Not in the sense that I am alone, but rather isolated from the things that make me happy. It takes as long to get to places that make me happy as it does to get to my parents house, if not longer. When I work so much every spare minute I have is precious and driving for more than an hour/hour and a half it seems a bit shit so why not move somewhere that is less isolated. It may not be perfect, but I can make it work. Worse comes to worse I just pick up and move again, not much is tying me to any specific spot, so why the hell not. 

I don’t really have much else, I’m ready to go, I’m revved up and excited for the world. So many things have the possibility to hold me back or push me down-fuck em, Im going to do me and the only thing that can stop me is me. 

I think since I have a few days off, maybe I will take a few day trips, I’m sure if it’s not raining I could get some good hiking in, maybe explore a few historical landmarks/places that are fairly close by. I mean I’m already lined up to go to an outdoor skating rink tomorrow, don’t know what can beat that, but who knows. 

12.29.15

How do I have time to think this much?

Like honestly–I am constantly busy and doing things that have my mind occupied on anywhere but my thoughts. Its insane just how much they have been plaguing me recently. Replaying every interaction I have had since May and even a bit before then. Like why brain, WHY? It’s hard to let it go and to move forward, but that’s the goal–just keep moving forward.

I am honestly incredibly blessed to work at the places that I do. Not only are the people I work with at Starbucks incredibly great friends and people in general, but I am so glad to be able to call them mine. Before I went into the hospital we set up secret santa, I naturally got my gift 2 hours before hand and it was good enough. Today though, today I got my gift, I wasn’t expecting it, I thought I was one of the people who didn’t have a santa…I was very wrong. I got to work this morning and waiting for me was my gift! So to say I am a huge fan of Batman is an incredible understatement. Like favorite superhero status, no competition. I literally sprinted from the back room on to the floor to share in my excitement of receiving a new Batman comic and a new Robin comic-like dud you are the greatest! Thank you for making my day and giving me something to look forward to.

I have never needed more ice water and gum in my life. I don’t even know what it is. I’m just incredibly stressed out. Maybe it’s because I am actually alone and I feel as though I have no one to talk to or that I can really turn to, maybe it’s because I am finally losing it and just want some stability in my life, maybe I am ready to move and start my life over again, or maybe, fucking maybe the stress of having to pack a 5000 unit store with 2 other people in 3 days (39 hours) is just too much. It’s nice that I have this and I can get it all out, it just sucks that I don’t have any response, nothing or no one to rebound off of for even just encouragement or feedback. I’m honestly surprised that I was able to successfully maneuver today without breaking. I just don’t know what it would even do for me at this point, it wouldn’t make me feel any better, it wouldn’t really calm me down, it wouldn’t solve any of my problems, nor would it help me work through them. So what would the point be? Id just be hurting myself by doing it–I’m not about that life.

***update: New Jersey is likely the move, pending a job offer. Good looks Virginia. Its been a roller coaster and plenty of lessons learned, but thank you for all that you have taught me thus far.

I know that I have friends. Please don’t get me wrong, I have some of the greatest friends I could ask for right now, but it just doesn’t feel right yet. I can go to them for anything-I need a night out to just live, they have my back, I need to do this job today-okay. Please just make me laugh, 15 seconds later I’m crying from laughing so hard. It’s not that I don’t have friends or anyone to talk to, they just aren’t the right people. They try, but it’s just so much easier sometimes to be the whore in whorelando and play that card instead of ya know actually talking about anything.

Please don’t tell me to not edit myself when I write because I think that you are looking. Its clear- this isn’t private, it’s on public forum, its meant to be read, its meant to be consumed, just because you know me doesn’t mean you can’t stay up to date-especially when we are apparently looking on silently from afar in plain sight. Keep reading. Really, please don’t stop. Yes this is my outlet for everything going on, but if you are looking for any trace of the old me, well this is your best bet on finding it. When you speak to me it will be gone, it will be the me the world sees, not the me that you will never forget. This will be your only source into that past knowledge.
I’m out, rest easy and I will talk at you tomorrow.

12.28.15

I’ve got nothing, it’s time to let it go

Today was eh. I woke up in a shitty mood, I even snapped at my Nana,   one does not snap at Nana. It gradually got better, but not good enough. I can still feel the irritation tingling in the back of my mind. I think though it has more to do with uncertainty than anything else. I have no idea where I want to be, just where I don’t want to be; that happens to be where I am currently and back home-my two present options on where to live. It doesn’t help that I have no clue what is that I want to do anymore. I thought I had it all worked out, but life is a fickle and horrible thing that likes to throw curve balls that fuck everything up. I know I want to be north. How far north, well I don’t know that part. I love the idea of Massachusetts, but that place is hella expensive. I keep thinking Jersey. Its close to the city I love so much, its close enough to plenty of history, hiking, outdoors things, and even snowboarding isn’t too far. Even better its only like 2 hours from my parents which will ease everything. There is also so much in PA, in not only my field, but in fields I want to be involved in. I just don’t think I could ever bring myself to live there.

My dad says I have nothing but time to figure it all out, I’m only 22 after all. What he doesn’t understand is the point I am at in my life, it says I am behind. I should be fairly settled down, starting the rest of my life, looking for “the one,” starting family, looking for something permanent. Apparently I shouldn’t be worrying about that for another 5-10 years. Like brah or nah.

It’s hard to cut someone out cold turkey.

Well back to big-girl job applications so this shit can stop.

12.27.15

This one is for you

I do a lot of thinking. Like a lot of thinking. More than any human should and in theory that is a very detrimental thing to anyone, but especially someone with mental illness. Alas, I think a lot, but not in a way that causes me distress or negative feelings. Rather my thinking leads to processing and today I came to some good things.

  1. I really do need to put more of an effort into doing the things that make me happiest. Snowboarding, hiking, photography, long boarding, cooking, being with my cousins. The list should go on, but I’m still working on figuring out what else should be on it
  2. I’m valuable. Not just in the sense that all human life is precious and blah, blah, blah. No, like in the way that my boss doesn’t want me out of his district because he doesn’t want anyone else in the REGION to be able to have me run one of their stores. I’m only 22. I don’t want to be stuck in the role of store fixer for the rest of my life but to have that title so young is insane.
  3. Dating is not an important or even on my list of things to do. Its not something i can or will force nor is it something I’m fully interested in doing for a plethora of reasons.
  4. Im ready to move. Its time to get going and start building my life. Its great that I have started, but this isn’t where i want my roots.
  5. I should probably cut you out. But i won’t, not yet. But i will and i should because you are poison to my thoughts, but ecstasy to my blood.

Happy Christmas, Harry

I have no idea. Today was amazing. It didnt really feel like Christmas, but  I think the weather and lack of gift giving had a lot to do with it. Regardless it was a day well spent surrounded by family, full of laughter, tons of food, and more love than I think any of us really knew what to do with. There wasn’t much Christmas spirit going around, but it was nice, it was happy and most of all I completely loved how it all turned out. There wasn’t any anxiety, no sadness and most of all I wasn’t filled with a sense of dread about the day. I was genuinely happy about everything, well almost, but there is no use dwelling.

I am officially staying where I am at and being moved from my hellish apartment and no longer need to work 70+ hours a week to stay afloat.

My family was incredibly happy with what I got them this year and although I know some would have preferred other things, everyone was over the moon with how unique and person specific each gift was. It wasn’t a generic gift card or anything like that, but I took the time and thought about each of them and made it work. It was worth it to see the smiles on their faces and the complete elation at a gift they never expected to get. I wonder how it will be for you when I finally work up the courage to see you and give it to you. I know it won’t take long because as much as it hurts sometimes to talk to you, if you ever called and asked to see me I doubt I’d be able to turn it down.

I have so much to prove. Not just to myself, but to everyone around me. My family doesn’t comment on it, but thats because they have seen every side of me- the good, the bad, the ugly and the complete zombie- not everyone is that lucky. Not everyone knows what the good looks like and how drastically different that is from anything they have ever seen. I honestly can’t stress enough just how not me I have been since I moved here. It’s been 7 months of stress, chaos and emotional turmoil that I think caused so much pain and destruction. I wasn’t able to make, keep or properly develop relationships like I’m working on now. I can honestly say that I have never been happier to be a member of the Starbucks family, especially my Starbucks family. They are so incredible. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They are a great support system and even better friends.

12.25.15

There is something to be said

I’m just gonna leave this right here…Christmas Eve shopping>>>>>Brown Thursday/Black Friday shopping. Those mother fuckers be insane. I did 8 times my brown Thursday sales, today! I am fucking exhausted.

I don’t really have much to say…Today was good. Im excited to be with my family tomorrow, but being with them tonight and laughing and making jokes was quite easily the highlight of my week. I have some of the greatest cousins ever. Not only do they make me laugh and smile, but they get my sense of humor and it works for us. Our reality show would probably be considered a workout video for 30 minute abs.

Thats it. I let the bullshit roll off and even if I was sad today I cant recall it. Im sure people were assholes today, but really who wants to be a dick to someone that is also making you laugh while simultaneously helping you get your shit together? One lady thats who, but she ignant and aint nobody got time for that.

Merry Christmas bitches! watch Rent for me and be blown away by its amazingness.

It’s been kind of an off day

Honestly, I’m surprised it took this long to have my first not awesomely fantastic day. It’s okay though because I think I legitimately should feel this way. Maybe not the way I keep going to worst case scenario, but the overall sense of dread and fear, those are probably okay. 

If you have ever met my pup you know she is a spitfire, a bundle of endless energy and the most loving and affectionate dog there is. I really don’t believe she knows a stranger, unless you are just plain bad news bears. I’m not really sure what happened, she’s just not right. It could literally be anything from just an allergic reaction to something in the environment to a stomach blockage from something she got a hold of (she’s a sneaky little thing). If it’s allergies then that is fan-freaking-tastic, it’s treatable and in general it can be pinpointed. If it’s a stomach blockage-which let’s be real that is way more than likely to be what’s going on-with her lethargy, loss of mobility etc. I’m not really feeling to great about not being at the vet with her, especially since it’s her first ever trip. 

Not only was she there for me when I was down, but she is one of the main reasons my recovery is actually a recovery and not a different tale. She really is my greatest friend. So it’s odd for me to be sending her off to be cared for and getting updates by phone rather than being by her side, carrying her where she needs to go. 

  
This is the most depressing #wcw, but my noodle knows she is my wce. She’s my light in the dark, the thing that keeps me going, and arguably my number one fan. So I’m really hoping you feel better soon, cus we have a date with the dog park on my next day off and it’s no fun if you don’t come with me. 
Update: I have no idea what she got into, but the pup is going to be wearing the cone of shame for a few days until her allergic reaction subsides. Little miracles.

Food for thought

That’s actually a fairly ironic title considering my current circumstance. Nana said it perfectly and I responded in kind, “you need food for your medicine to work” “my medicine is what is causing me not to be hungry,” it’s a vicious cycle. I know I need to eat, it’s a fairly important part of sustaining functional life form, but then again when I eat I physically feel worse, mentally better, but still physically worse. There is also the combatting of flu-like symptoms that are just some of many unfortunate side effects, but hey at least the headaches are gone right?

That isn’t the point of this journal though. Actually my journal today is more of a rambling stream of conscious. I was thinking today about the way in which I have been writing more recently and the platforms I use to do it. I guess I should make clear that my daily “logs” or “journals” aren’t for anyone, they are specifically designed for me to have a positive outlet in which I can reflect on not only my thoughts and feelings, but to process my day. I’m sure I could just write this down in an actual journal, but I know certain people like to check in without outright asking me how I’m doing. It’s somewhat of a passive way to answer their questions, but it’s much less awkward for me. I don’t have to sit there and analyze my, well every thought, word, sentence structure, tone, etc. I can say what I want to say, how I want to say it and well how you read it is up to you.
I’ve spent enough time in doctors offices and hospitals to learn what works for me and what doesn’t. Writing is something that works for me. I know this, I’ve accepted it and I plan to use this tool until I find it is no longer useful and or beneficial. I have so many outlets I can use to “help,” but with my current time constraints because of ridiculous work schedules (Yay holiday season) taking 5-10 minutes out of my day to write isn’t something I dread, but rather I look forward to. I think about what I’m going to write through-out the day and it brings a smile to my face. I recognize that I don’t have the time right now to just drop everything and go for a hike, or longboard or any of the other things I find enjoyable, but taking what ends up being a very minor amount of time in the grand scheme of things, but something I end up looking forward to the most and cherishing the most in my day, I’m going to do it. I need to start doing things for me. Start doing the things that make me happy again, but also not getting upset with the limited time I have. I’m maximizing what time I do get and well this is what I’ve got.
Lets be real though. Just for a hot second. If I’m taking the time out of my day to talk to you, take that for what is; you are a valued part of my life. I could fill my time with other things, Lord knows I have too much to do, but I value you and our friendship enough to want to keep in contact. Not a call out, just stating a fact. I’m making time in my life for the people I want in it. It’s simple. It could be as simple as saying good morning, talking to you about my dog or even the fucking weather. You matter to me. Rant over.
Finally some happy news. Well not “happy” but I’m slowly making life changes. Nothing drastic just things I’m choosing to do differently because I see the value in my life again and quite frankly I’d like to preserve it as best as possible.

  1. No phone while driving
    1. unless its wireless, but no texting even if its speech to text
  2. No smoking.
    1. There are only 2 things in my life besides myself that I want to dictate what I do; my future wife and my future children. Craving a cigarette is not going to be a factor. Plus healthy lungs, better overall health, nice smelling clothes and well overall smell. It has plenty of benefits–to be fair I didn’t truly start again after I quit in October, but a relapse is a relapse. The recovery just won’t be as rough.
  3. I have a new goal. Its more of a lifestyle reversal. I used to enjoy making people smile and going out of my way to help people. I got away from that for a while. Id like to go back. So I am. I’ll keep ya posted on what’s happening.

Im not really sure what to make of today

Today was simultaneously the worst and the greatest day I’ve had a while. It was my first day back at work. It was great, did you know the mall opens up at 7:00am this week? I started my day with a phone call from my boss, “hey how’s it going? Have you chewed anyone out yet for how your store is looking and running?” For the record it wasn’t too bad off. I mean the store was still standing, the paperwork was mostly done, the right amount of money was in the till, only thing was how big of a hole they dug us into with the budget. If we make it back, or even come close, I will be incredibly impressed and surprised. Alas, I can’t be too upset, I’m actually pretty proud of them . Lets be honest they could have been lazy and done absolutely nothing while I was away, but the numbers and conversion rates don’t lie-they at least tried. I will admit that it got to the point though where they did try to change too many things while I was gone, but didn’t finish most of them, basically it just created a lot of clutter and much confusion. It’s alright. It is all alright. I’m learning that what is done is done and you just have to roll with it and make do with it what you can. My store is fucking spotless. So that’s the good. I’m not really in the mood to focus on the bad.
It was a dark place. That’s probably all you need to know. But not likely all that I will say. All day long I was filled with this sickening feeling. One filled with nausea and anxiety. I’m trying to avoid taking my PRN because well, I can’t even tell you from my own POV what happened the last time that I took em. I don’t need to tell myself that it’s okay, I know that how I felt wasn’t the best, but feeling it is not a bad thing. I’m experiencing it, I’m pushing through it, I’m resolving my issues as they come, and ultimately I feel so much better because of it. I don’t think that pushing things down is for me, but neither is letting my feelings consume me. I need to experience my feelings, but I don’t need them to control me.

I’ve decided to play a game with myself and unbeknownst to you, you are playing it too. It used to feel I don’t know, odd, when I’d come across you again, but now, now it’s just a game; how many times can I come across you and do nothing about it. I’m at 5 times so far. It’s neither a good nor bad thing this game of mine, it just simply is.

12.21.15